Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How's work?
Spinning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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