Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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