I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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