youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
