I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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