Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
