she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
