Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
