why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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