oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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