roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
