youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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