Someone shit on the floor
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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