hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
