whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
