it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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