one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
