didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
