Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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