I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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