I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
