we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
