I'm gonna have a badass scar
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
