My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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