Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
