I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm just crazy horny about you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
