I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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