oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
