a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
