Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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