She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
