you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
