shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
