Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
