The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
