Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
