I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
