His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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