Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
