you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
