i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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