I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
