Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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