Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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