Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
