To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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