I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
