I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
