dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
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