alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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