i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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