she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I FOUND THE LEGS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
