sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
