What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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