I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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