Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
