she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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